Thursday, October 6, 2011

Somebody Else's Song

I've been a floor nurse for almost 2 and a half years now and I am ready to move on.  Do I want to move to the ICU?  Do I want to get my masters?  If I get my masters I think that I would go the management & leadership route.  The only part of going that way is that it would take me out of patient care.  I love patient care, that is why I am a nurse, but of all of the graduate programs/routes for nurses, I feel like I could do this.  I've been thinking about this for a long time, but something is holding me back, something is keeping me from making the leap into something new.

The song of my day is "Somebody Else's Song" by Lifehouse.

Here are some of the lyrics 

"I've got somebody else's thoughts
In my head, I want some of my own
I want some of my own, I want some of my own

Well, am I hiding behind my doubts?
Are they hiding behind me
And closer to finding out?
It doesn't mean anything"

Historically, I have been a doubter of myself and of my abilities.  This intensified when I was in nursing school and had a professor question me and my desire to be a nurse and who questioned my ability to succeed.  This professor's comments shook my to my core and I don't know that all of my psyche has ever fully recovered.  

When I think about moving to an ICU I question my knowledge base and my ability to handle the intensive care.  When I think about grad school and becoming a manager of a unit, I question my leadership and ability to play out that role successfully in a hospital.  Part of me hears my professors words in my head, knocking me down.  Part of me hears my own words in my head knocking me down even more.

I don't like having negative thoughts in my head, and they are thoughts that I have to remind myself are untrue.  I know that I am good at what I do.  I know that I am knowledgeable.  But why is it so hard for me to make the leap into the unknown?

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